Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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