i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
