Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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