I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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