I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
