Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
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