We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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