i think my mom watched the whole time
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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