My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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