Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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