it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
