so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
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