One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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