I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
