True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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