Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
