I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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