@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
we're so committed to being not committed
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