Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
