she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize