I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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