I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize