i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
