I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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