Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
