I'm lost and stupid without you.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
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