Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
