U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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