Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I use my feet as sexual weapons
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
