tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize