My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
