Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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