she peed on how many people?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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