she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
