The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
