Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
