Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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