proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
