I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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