Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
This is the high leading the old right now
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
