At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
