my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
