Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
