The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
