He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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