If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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