He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I am one with the molecules
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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