So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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