thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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