dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
