I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
