Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
