Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
