btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
