:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
