I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
