Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
