I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
