my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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