I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
