I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
