WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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